After photographing women and humans for nearly a decade, I have learned a thing or two. Working with people in such a personal and intimate setting has allowed my clients and myself to skip the small talk and dive into a deeper connection quicker. This is a passion of mine in starting Blue Flame; connecting with people on a deeper level. Little did I know back then just how important those connections would be in changing my perspective and ultimately my life.
We all search to hate something.
When I very first started boudoir I still had this mindset that skinny was everything because that’s all I knew. It’s all I ever consumed. I didn’t know any better or different so I never questioned it. And the skinny was never attainable, it was always just outta reach, which made it easy to always be able to hate something about how I looked. By default, there was always something “wrong” with me. When I started photographing women more and more, even the ones I thought looked like “the perfect type” I saw that everyone seemed to hate something about themselves physically. I was so confused, here was a body type I had been conditioned to think of as the “best” and they weren’t happy with something either. Honestly, my first reaction was that they were doing it for attention but I quickly realized that was not it. As I unpacked this mindset, I went through thinking these women were just crazy. Then I thought maybe I was crazy. Then it hit me, we have just been taught it’s more acceptable to bond over what we hate. That it’s normal and almost necessary to dislike something about ourselves. That if we just look hard enough we will find it. It was comforting in a sad way, that I wasn’t alone. Not just in photographing women, but all humans I have worked with seem to be more comfortable in expressing what they don’t like about themselves than what they do.
An honest compliment is priceless.
It comes more naturally to me now after photographing women for a while to give people compliments while out and about. Inside the studio while shooting the energy just lends to repeatedly affirming clients that they look amazing, that they are doing great because I just say what I am thinking in the moment. During a session, when they are feeling vulnerable that honest compliment is gold and their face lights up and they hold their head higher. I have held back lots of compliments to strangers when I like their dress, or the energy they give off because I was nervous of …what I don’t even know honestly. How many times has someone captured your attention for even just a little bit and you wanted to say something but didn’t? And why? An honest compliment feels good for everyone. Give it a try and don’t forget on yourself.
Vulnerability is power.
“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.” – Brene Brown. I am not comfortable being vulnerable, but I also know that the things that make me uncomfortable are necessary. Except jumping out of the plane, hard no for me. The idea that being vulnerable is weak and one should feel shame around it is meant to keep us from yet another force of our power. Not to keep quoting Brene but “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity.” The transition I am able to witness while photographing women when someone decides to let their guard down and step in front of my camera is powerful. Their reasons are all different, their insecurities vary but their power in being vulnerable is the same.
We have been fed a lot of bullshit.
I grew up in the nineties/early 2000s with Cosmopolitan magazine, Brittany + Christina, Abercormbie everywhere. All the while the Third Wave of Feminism was happening. But I was fed so much bullshit that I was under the impression that I needed to be more concerned about if some boy liked me, taking magazine quizzes to see if the sex I wasn’t even having was lame or exciting and putting too much value in the brand of clothes I was wearing. When the truth is I held the power over those boys, those magazines were a cult and I never even liked those clothes. It was all bullshit. It all did what it was designed to do flawlessly at the cost of our power. Photographing women has been peeling back these blindfolds, calling this BS out and relearning our voice.
Photographing women showed me there are no mean girls.
Another load of BS is that girls are mean. Can girls act and be mean? Absolutely, however it’s coming from a place of insecurities and jealousy. Doesn’t excuse this behavior but it does help us to understand how to handle it. Don’t forget the double standard that mean behavior for girls has a label but not so much for boys. *eye-roll* I am unpacking and unlearning that I associate being intimidated by certain people with them being a “mean girl.” I have worked with so many people that I would have been intimidated by in the past whom I now see I am inspired by. That ‘mean girl behavior’ is another label given to girls/women to try and keep us small, quiet, polite and I am not having any of that.
Photographing women because we need to exist in photos.
Existing in photos, professional or not, is not reserved for a select group of people. Photographing women has shown me just how important it is for everyone to see themselves in photos and for others to see them. For others like them to see themselves represented and for loved ones to have precious memories of them. Almost 75% of people I have worked with have expressed some form of distaste for being in front of the camera. Letting me know it makes them uncomfortable and/or gives them anxiety. Before shooting, some of them share with me that they “are awkward” or “not photogenic” or that I have my “work cut out for me.” Unpacking that and walking through these hurdles is something I have learned to offer them, as much as I can. Show up in photos authentically because your future self and family will treasure it.
We give way too many fucks about what other people think.
This one is self explanatory and nothing new. We hear it all the damn time but for good reason, it’s true and it’s hindering our lives. The same day I learned a woman I went to high school with passed away abruptly a friend told me she didn’t want to go to the pool with me because she was embarrassed of her body. My heart broke twice in just two hours. I have been in that mindset too many times to count. It still creeps in from to time and it’s a constant practice to give less fucks. If I asked you what you really want, could you answer it without the influence of others?
What Photographing Women Has Taught Me
Denver boudoir photography and photographing women + all humans has taught me how much connection to others means to me and the role it has played into the person I am today and continue to strive to be. Not just any connection though, authentic, vulnerable and high value connection. My first introduction to boudoir was before it was labeled ‘boudoir’ and the women were doing it for their partner and we called it “sexy pictures.” But what I witnessed during their sessions was women being vulnerable, then enjoying themselves and lastly being blown away by themselves. Seeing someone in awe of themselves is special. Being able to provide a space and experience where they feel safe to allow themselves to bet on themselves by expanding their comfort zones to challenge mindsets that no longer serve them is a Blue Flame mission.
