I am almost 35, married and childfree so I get a lot of the unsolicited “when are you having kids?” questions. Which honestly feels more like a statement than the choice it actually is.
I want to first acknowledge that choosing to be childfree is a controversially topic for some. I have no real understanding as to why, just a theory. Maybe because we live in a society that rewards conformity? Maybe ’cause when something is different from our own believes we deem them bad? It’s an annoying reality, but I have experienced people getting upset at me for not wanting children. I know now that it’s their own internal issue and it’s not my responsibility to live up to their expectation of me. Also, before diving in I would like to clear up the assumption I get a lot; that I hate kids. I actually don’t hate kids. Would I rather not be around them, most of the time yes, but far too many people assume you either love them or hate them. Just like anything, it’s a scale. I think pregnancy and being a mother is real life super powers. Honestly, most people assume all the worst because they don’t understand my viewpoint. I accept this and move on. I don’t owe an explanation to anyone but myself & then maybe husband. (yes, we got married before nailing down that topic – more on that later.) But what I don’t accept is that myself and the other women who have chosen not to have children can be made to feel less of a woman for it. I want to help normalize that having a child is a choice and that some simply, and not so simply choose to be childfree.
Some of the BS I get….
“Oh, but you will change your mind eventually.”
“But what will you do with your life then?”
“Who will take care of you when you are old?”
“You would make such a great mother.”
“Don’t be so selfish.”
Just a hand full of the things strangers have said to me when they inserted themselves into my very personal life asking when I am going to have children. I have even had some people laugh at me thinking I wasn’t serious or tell me they would pray for me. Imagine being a grown ass woman & a stranger laughs at you for the biggest decision you will ever make like you are the child? I am sure you can imagine my face with that reaction. Come to think of it, not many of these people thought to be courteous and consider that there is a possibly that I could not have children, or had lost children. It is not the case for myself, but for some it is. Asking someone about children is a very, very personal and often times emotional and triggering question. Stop doing it unless that person is someone you would be having a child with.
My husband and I got married when we were in our late twenties and back then, at the time I did assume that I would eventually want at least one child. So many people told me that I would get baby fever and live happily ever after. I would be a great mom, but I could never see myself being happy about it. So, we got married thinking we would have one, maybe two kids. Even then though, our conversations around the topic were light and awkward. Neither one of us had a hard boundary around it. I turned thirty and the pressure was on. This baby fever was not happening like I was promised it would, it fact it got stronger and stronger the other way. I spent a little over a year with major internal conflict; sometimes even asking myself ‘what is wrong with me?’ I thought for months that maybe I was somehow broken for not wanting to have a child. Friends around me who also said they would never want children were having children, people kept pestering me about the meaning of my life if I wasn’t going to be a mom, and it caused a rough time in my marriage. Honestly it was lonely and depressing.
Finally, someone I knew from high school said “duh, I always knew you wouldn’t have kids.” I was kinda in shock, if they could see it, why couldn’t I? Why could’t those closest to me see it? I have never been someone who has wanted children. I just assumed it was the next step in life and one day it would ….happen?
I was almost 32 and after some soul searching and just being brutally honest with myself, I knew that I did not want to have children. For me, having a child would ruin me. I would feel trapped, unhappy and in turn making me resentful. I really love my life how it is and don’t see where I want to go in life while having a child possible. I have many other reasons that made the childfree side far outweigh the other. It was a hard realization to drop to my husband, but I just knew I would not be my best self and that isn’t fair to me, him or the possible child we would bring into this world. Choosing to lead a childfree life is the best decision for me. Period.
So, is this a blog to convince others to not have children? Absolutely not! (if you are someone who gets triggered by others being vocal about not wanting kids and start to assume we are trying to say our way is better, I suggest you unpack that.) Is this a blog to normalize that having children is a choice and not something you have to do as a next step in life? Hard-fucking-yes. Having a child will be the BIGGEST thing you will do. It’s a decision that should not be made lightly. If you choose to not have children you are not any less of a woman, your life is still worthy of all the same greatness and you sure as shit are not selfish for making the choice that is best for you! Be open about your choice, help normalize to others that choosing to be childfree is A-OK!
It should be no surprise that I am passionate about this topic. I want to support women anywhere I can that gives them their space + power and lets their worth shine. Not the definition of our worth from someone else that is forced upon us. I have gathered a few words from others that have volunteered their perspective to help normalize choosing to lead a childfree life. I appreciate them sharing SO much and I hope you do to.
“So basically, on some level I feel like I have always known that I would never want children. As early as middle school I can recall trying to tell my mom that and her response has always been “oh well you’ll change your mind when you meet the right guy.” Which is so incredibly upsetting to me because that just makes me feel like my mother (but also society in general) doesn’t actually care what I think or what my decision is. As if I’m only here to birth some man’s future children.
Which is so incredibly upsetting to me because that just makes me feel like my mother (but also society in general) doesn’t actually care what I think or what my decision is. As if I’m only here to birth some man’s future children.
Hard pass.
I’m an adult AND a human person with feelings and emotions and I simply do not want children.
When I envision my future it just doesn’t involve me having babies, and that’s all, nothing against anyone who yearns for children but it’s just not me.” – Taylor
From a male – “In 2006 I ended a long term relationship with my college girlfriend. I did a lot of things on my own terms that year and took a hard look at my life, the people in it, and the world. I was questioning every aspect of my life, including having children.
By that point, I was on the fence, and that woman was certain that children were a part of her future. Our breakup was for other reasons…but looking back on it I was already having feelings of uncertainty. I have nothing against being around kids (I actually find them completely entertaining and love being around them!) It’s just that once I made that huge shift in my lift and started to really examine my world…I realized I didn’t want children in it. I didn’t want that experience of raising children and didn’t feel any really need/desire to produce a “little me” as some would put it.
It would come to color my decision about who I would date and how serious I was about them from that point forward. When I found out someone really wanted children I would back off a bit if I had been feeling like it might turn in to something serious. I didn’t really feel comfortable expressing that sentiment at first, because I’d always be met with “But you’d be SUCH a great dad!” which is very flattering and difficult to rebuke in the moment…or at least it used to be.
Lindsay not wanting children was something I learned about her before we started dating while we were still friends. Later we would both come to that “why aren’t we dating?” realization independently, and for me knowing that she wanted to live a similar life to me was for sure a factor in that.
These days we don’t hear about why we aren’t having kids from many people, but I know she hears it more than I do. People don’t expect men to really want children, we’re expected to suffer them because that’s what women want us to “give” them. It’s such a twisted mindset.
Children, like all other decisions in a relationship, is something to be arrived at together on equal footing.” – Rich
From his wife – “I didn’t realize not having kids was an option until I was in college, which is interesting in hindsight because I have an uncle who never had kids. Even though it was never something I actively wanted or looked forward to, I thought it was going to be something I did because everyone did.
My parents had a traditional relationship in the sense that my dad ran a business and my mom raised the kids. My mom also raised other peoples’ kids in a home daycare for extra cash. There were always kids and babies around and, as the oldest, I helped out a lot. I changed diapers, fed them, played with them, read to them, you name it. I also babysat on my own and handled dinner and nighttime routines, so I was well aware of what babies and kids were like. I was also aware of what my mom’s life was like and it was not for me.
My high school boyfriend wanted to marry young, have two kids, and work long hours at some high paying job while I stayed home with the kids. No way, dude, I do not want to be a stay at home mom. I have my own goals and ambitions that depend on leaving the house.
In my next relationship I said I was on the fence about kids. I realized I didn’t have to have them and was trying to decide if I wanted them. That boyfriend said cool, kids aren’t that appealing anyway. His mom had him very young and she struggled as a single mom without an education. But over the next several years it became clear that his saying “no kids” actually meant “no kids now but definitely once we’re married and it’s acceptable and expected”. Here was another man who expected the woman to leave her job to raise his offspring while he had a career and ambitions. Again, no thank you.
Like what Rich said, we broke up for a variety of reasons but that was one of them. I realized I was off the fence and had landed in the childfree zone. At this point I was also starting to question marriage – the expectation for women as wives and mothers was so revolting that I’d rather stay single and live my life how I want to, not how someone else wants me to. But that’s also why I married Rich – he didn’t have any of those expectations and is just mouthy enough to tell people off for me.
Even if I had wanted kids, the expectations for mothers are so wildly different than those for fathers.
Women are the ones who have to be pregnant, give birth, breastfeed, get up at night, leave their jobs for months, return to work on a flex schedule (if you’re lucky enough to have an employer who won’t fire you or dock your pay), stay home anytime the kid is sick, attend school functions, and generally be involved. Men are heroes when they show up for the things that are externally visible. This perception has only been reinforced the older I get and the more people around me have kids. My female coworkers take sick days for their kids, not for themselves. My male coworkers almost all have wives who stay home full-time or have mommy-friendly jobs, like elementary school teachers. It’s impossible that this dynamic is a coincidence.
The short answer is that I guess I was very aware of the realities of having babies and children and, as a woman, did not find it appealing. I recognized the cost but very little of the rewards (have you ever seen Father of the Bride 2?). The idea of positively impacting the next generation is appealing but I genuinely believe my capacity to do that is enhanced by being childfree. I was sterilized right after my 30th birthday and could not be happier about it.” –Lindsay
48 + married – “Here is our story about why we don’t have children. If you ask my husband, his answer would be that if you have children you need to dedicate 100% of yourself, your time, your money and any other resources to fully develop the other human being(s). He has a lot of interests and didn’t see himself being able to do that.
If you ask me, I would echo my husband’s thoughts plus I didn’t see how it can work financially. We both have large salaries and still it seems impossible. It seems that at least one parent can’t work or can’t work at a high paying, stressful job because of the dedication we described. Even without children, we have a full time house manager and still rarely have much time for our own interests and hobbies. Granted (prior to covid) we jetset much more than other people and this could have changed, but we really enjoy it. I think the bigger reason for me is that parents give up everything and anything for their children and nearly all children look forward to the day they can be away from their parents and spend their lives trying not to be like their parents. We both have good relationships with our parents and still don’t want to be much like them and we enjoy time with them, but aren’t tied at the hip to them. Seems sad parents seem to care so much and children care on a much lesser level and that seems like a very sad imbalance for a life of sacrifice.” – Carrie
From someone who has kids – “When I was young, my grandmother used to tell me to get a ‘nice desk job’. I was terrible in school, maybe I had undiagnosed ADD or I simply had no self worth. I constantly would say, why should I bother? I’m not going to college. When I told my family I wanted to do hair, they said, “ You’ll never make any money doing hair.” So instead I tried to ‘find a nice desk job’. The women in my family were all strong willed, hard working, women… who became mothers. My mother was a stay at home mother, my cousins all had babies young and married young. My grandmother on my fathers had 5 children and bartended into her 70’s! They taught me how to clean my house, how to cook, how to fix things around the house ect. The one thing they never taught me was that you don’t have to be a mother. I never really thought in terms of if I wanted kids, because it was more like when you have kids…. I met my husband at 18, was pregnant by 19, 9 months after we met. I was scared, I knew I had options but when I read that little stick the only option that made me feel at peace was to have the baby. My son was born April 2009. I was a month away from 20. We married in 2010, had our daughter 2011, and my father passed away, I enrolled in cosmetology school and graduated 2012 and had my last baby 2013. We ended up moving to FL and I worked my ass off. I excelled at my career and I loved making my own money. My family would sometimes guilt me about how much I worked. Mom guilt is real. About 3 years ago at 28 I had a realization… Your brain doesn’t have the experience to make life changing decisions before 25. The frontal lobe isn’t fully formed. I had all my children, and gotten married by 24. I realize now, that if I had waited to make these life changing decisions until I was a bit older, I may not have chosen the same path. If my family or mentors would have told me that there was more to life than being a mother, I may not have taken this journey. My children are the loves of my life. I absolutely do not regret having them. And It’s always a hard topic to discuss with people, because of the fear of judgment that I regret the life I chose. But we need to lay it out for the younger generations that there is more to life than being a mother, or different roads to motherhood if you so chose.” – Scarlet
“When I was little, I always thought I would have children, but that image quickly faded as I realized that image I had was due to societal pressure.
I never felt in my gut the need to have children, which is quite different from my mom’s experience, who is someone who always knew she wanted to be a mom, and went to great lengths to do so (2 rounds of IVF). Because I have never had the urge to have children, it is very hard for me to relate to going to such extremes to conceive.
Years ago I was at the dentist, and the “do you want kids?” conversation came up with my hygienist. I hesitantly told her that I didn’t think I wanted kids, and she enthusiastically expressed her similar view, which surprised me given the societal pressure that is put on women. She said something that has stuck with me – “every reason to have kids is selfish,” whereas I have been told that I am selfish for NOT wanting kids. The more I thought about it, the more I realized she is right. There really is not an unselfish reason to have kids. When I think about all of the reasons I have heard people use for wanting children (to have someone to love me, to have someone to take care of me when I am old, to pass on our family name, etc.), they are all selfish. Even if it is just to be a mom, that is a selfish reason. It is about the mom, and not about the potential child. I don’t say this to bash people who do want children, I am grateful that my mom felt so strongly about having us.
My immediate reasons for not wanting kids (I am sure I could come up with a substantial list):
– financial burden
– the inability to live life on my own terms
– the sheer exhaustion
– I am terrified of childbirth
All this being said, even though right now I am fairly certain that I do not want kids, I don’t completely rule it out. Maybe I will meet someone that will make me realize that I want to start a family. And I also realize that sometimes things happen that we didn’t plan.” –Anonymous
RESOURCES
This week (Sept 14 – 20) is World Childless Week. Click here for more info & amazing resources for the childless-not-by-choice community.
Rich Auntie Supreme on Instagram is “celebrating & creating community with those women who choose a journey of being childfree and indulgence in the villages around them.”
Why So Many Are Satisfied Being Childless by Choice by Noam Shpancer Ph.D.
Why I Have Zero Regrets About My Childless Life by STEPHANIE ZACHAREK for TIME magazine.
If you made it this far, I appreciate you & hope this blog, along with others’ stories helps you not feel alone. There should be ZERO shame in your decision. I support you in living your best life.
Cover picture by Liberty Antonia Sadler for Metro
